Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere...but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust."
14. A beggar walked up to my wife who was shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
15. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
16. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son.
17. I inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day I received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
19. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
20. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
21. Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
22. If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
23. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
24. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"And the father replied,"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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